animalstalkinginallcaps:

STEVE. SERIOUSLY. I DIDN’T USE YOUR TOOTHPASTE, OKAY? I HAVE MY OWN. IN A FLAVOR I ENJOY. I DON’T CARE WHICH WAY YOU SQUEEZE THE TUBE. THE FACT THAT YOU SORT OF BOOBYTRAP TOOTHPASTE TO SEE IF ANYONE’S TOUCHING IT MAKES ME THINK YOU MIGHT HONESTLY HAVE SOME SORT OF PARANOIA ISSUES THAT NEED ADDRESSING.

AND NO, I HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR NAIL CLIPPERS EITHER, FREAKSHOW. PLEASE STOP ASKING.

bwahahaha I LOVE THIS 

imprevu:

“I can fulfill people’s sexual fantasy expectations without even thinking about it. That isn’t acting! (laughs) ” 

(via pattypattz1)

questionableadvice:

~ “How Masculine or Feminine Are You?”, 1948

animalstalkinginallcaps:

AWESOME, I LOVE BEGGIN’ STRIPS. WHAT’S NEXT?

Let’s see, this one is from … Altamont Realty Associates, and it’s a notice that you’re being sued for nonpayment of rent. Please contact their office within 30 days with your response.

… WOW, THAT IS SOME COLD-HEARTED SHIT. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.

We are friends. Look at how nice the bow is. Please don’t be angry, this is my job.

jadalulu:

…he is gorgeous obviously.

*sings* Ain’t nothin like the Original thing, babyyyyyyy…..

animalstalkinginallcaps:

DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME APPLEBEE’S OR SOMETHING? MAYBE SOME OUTBACK?

I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING FOR VACATION.

IS A BLOOMIN’ ONION GOING TO DRAIN THE VACATION FUND?

… NO.

EXACTLY. SO LET’S GO GET ONE.

barackobama:

If this isn’t a great argument for joining Women for Obama, we don’t know what is.

(Source: definitionofdisney, via forkspixie)

melbietoast:

… and we love you.

(Source: durtyrob4ever)

inrobwelust:

Rob’sDayEveryDay <3

(via melbietoast)

(via sofisticated1)

(Source: bobby-dupeas, via sofisticated1)

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I WILL DESTROY YOU, DAN. YOU HEAR ME? YOU LISTENING? I WILL CRUSH YOUR WORLD. I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE UPON YOU.

BECAUSE I PUT “LEVEL SIX DONGMASTER” AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS WHEN YOU LEFT YOURSELF LOGGED IN LAST WEEK?

SCORCHED EARTH, DAN. DUST AND ASHES.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR LITTLE LAWS. LAYING DOWN THEIR LITTLE RULES. RESTRICTING MY FREEDOMS.

“YOU CAN’T SMOKE POT IN FRONT OF A DAY CARE CENTER.”

“YOU CAN’T ROLL A JOINT AT 7-11.”

“YOU NEED TO GET A JOB IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE. AND STOP SMOKING WEED IN THE SHED. YOU’RE 28.”

“DON’T LIGHT THAT RIGHT NEXT TO THE PROPANE TANKS. YOU’LL KILL US ALL.”

I BET YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE POOL INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING YOUR LITTLE OPPRESSIONS.

IT’S CALLED MARITIME LAW, MY FRIENDS. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE.

Kristen on the cover of ELLE US - June 2012 (x)

(Source: kristenforthewin, via sofisticated1)